I’m constantly thinking about my life, the things we’ve been through, and how to improve. I’ve tried so hard to be a better Follower. I’m praying constantly. I’m seeking uplift music and reading. I am constantly reminding myself that it is not my plan, but His. I am trying to remember to be more patient and kind. But, when I hear or notice that someone is expecting … I get this weird feeling of mixed emotions. I start feeling sad for myself because I am not experiencing what they are. I start missing the feeling of my babies, and wondering what they would be like if they were here. I think about Charlotte Rose’s little face on the screen, and wondering what our first baby would’ve looked like. I think about the holidays we will miss and the birthdays that will not be celebrated.
I feel almost jealous as I see pictures of ultrasounds and growing baby bumps. I ache as I remember feeling my angel babies inside me, and longing to feel that again. I think about the way that I could feel our first baby so early, and how I spilled hot tea on myself with its first flutter. I remember how Charlotte Rose felt like a ping pong ball in my belly as I tried to sleep. And how she would come to a complete stop the moment Miles tried to feel her movements. And then,I start feeling thankful for being able to feel those angels in me, and that I was even able to get pregnant.
I start feeling nervous about trying again…
And this cascade of emotions trickles into my thoughts on trying again. I know that this is just a test of my faith, and that I can persevere because He is on my side. But the thoughts, creep in. What if we can’t have a baby? What if we try again and things go wrong? When should we try? Should we wait and be “more prepared”? Will we ever be prepared? What if I never can give Miles the family he wants?Then I think what I’ve always felt– I was put on this earth for 2 reasons: to be a teacher and a mom. I feel like I’ve accomplished one, and I’m failing on the other. Then, on top of that, Miles says he doesn’t want kids after he turns 30. So now, I feel like now I’m on a timeline. I feel rushed, but not– all at the same time. But then, I start to think I shouldn’t have to stop hoping based on our ages. I just feel so mixed up and yet, I don’t know what I feel because I’m inundated with so many emotions.
All of these things run through my head, and so many more. Miles and I are so hesitant to try again. Some days we talk like right around the corner we are ready to give it a go, and some days we talk about holding off for one reason or another. Some days we think it might be nice to have a little one in the house to share our love with, and some days we dream of riding a motorcycle cross country. These feelings and mixed emotions just leave me so confused. I’m still trusting that His plan is in the works, but HOW will I know? Will it come in a sign? Will it “just happen”? If it just happens, will I be strong enough to cling to Him during this trying and confusing time?
Give me knowledge and strength to help me through this confusing, mixed up time. Help me to follow your plan. Help me to know that You have all the answers I need. I put my trust in You. Amen.