So, I’ve started back to school, and I have this unbelievable feeling of peace and calm about me. I can’t explain it really. In the past, it was a drag to have the summer gone so quickly. I’ve felt tired and worn down, and completely unprepared for the school year to come. In the past, I’ve cried the first few days of school and worried about what would happen. Would I be a good teacher? Would I be able to handle all of the things thrown at us? Would I be able to make an impact? Did I really want to teach for the rest of my life? Well, if I don’t teach, what is there that I can do? I felt hopeless, unhappy, and just bogged down.
Somehow, this year is different. This year, I was anxious to get back. I was happy to be at work. I was filled with the passion I had as a first year teacher, and have let dwindle over the years. This year, I feel like me again. I feel like I have my spark back. So, that got me thinking…This is dangerous, I know (hahaha). I have been a Christian my whole life. Even before I even understood what that meant. I’ve always said that I knew there was a plan, and I’ve always prayed, and I’ve been to church, but it wasn’t until very recently that I really “Let go and Let GOD”.
I started this blog to get these feelings of guilt and sadness out, and to document things to come, and yet, it has done so much more. I feel like I have let Him guide me more. I have realized that I am not in control, and that as my friend has said before, “Words have power”. These words have power by being released from my being, but they have power to change my outlook. God is not against, nor was He ever. He was waiting for me to accept Him completely, to ask Him to take this burden from me, to hand over the reins and live my life in COMPLETE faith. Hmm, and I thought I’d had a good idea just by writing this blog. It was so much bigger than I knew.
I was recently at dinner with a cousin of Miles’. She was telling me about her life and her hardship and struggles. She told me about a car accident that led to the discovery of tumors on her spine. The tumors led to a series of medications and shots, and awful pain. While growing tired of living her life “drugged up”, she decided she would take things in her own hands, and start working out. She would heal herself. SHE would overcome. She said there was a day that she was at the gym for her daily workout when she heard a voice, so clear and meant for her, ” Seek Me.” Two little words with such a powerful meaning. “Seek Me”. She went home that night, and fell to her knees. She prayed for help, she prayed for healing, she prayed for guidance. A short while after that encounter, she continued her prayers and her Bible readings. She was feeling better, was able to go back to work. She felt like she was just getting things right, and then,her house burned down. And do you know what she said to me when I told her how awful that was? She said, ” I made it out. I was able to get my neighbors out. And I told them, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” She wasn’t devastated by all that she’d lost. She was FAITHFUL. She said that she went back a few days later to the aftermath. She borrowed boots from someone because she really just want to check for pictures of her family. Everything seemed to be ash, except for the pictures she was looking for. They were damaged, but not ruined. She said that she realized this was a sign from God that he knew she was committed to Him.
I’ve been through so much the last couple years, and I really beat myself up over how I felt, and how I should present myself to people. I felt like my flame was wavering. I know that it was apparent to many, and for that, I sincerely apologize. I know that over the last year, I was curt, obviously unhappy, and frankly, I felt like I could barely keep afloat. I was working overtime to pretend I was okay, and it affected every aspect of my life. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I really opened up my heart and asked for His healing and guidance. I sat there in my bathtub, and cried out to Him. Help me. I’m lost. I want You to take this from me. I want to let go and let You take this over. I am full of terrible heartache and sadness. I know You want better for me. I know You have a plan. I know You know where this leads, and I am willing to follow You. Take this from me, please. Open my heart to You, Lord. Just help…
Since that day, I have a renewed feeling about me. I feel happy and positive. I’ve awoken each morning with the mantra, ” I can do all things through Jesus Christ.” I have set parameters for my work hours. I have been home more and really been at home, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, as well. As for school, I feel a joy that has been missing for a while. I can’t see myself anywhere else. I can’t even understand why I didn’t feel this joy before. And, I’m thinking about looking into a career as a counselor, but I’m pretty happy where I am now :).
So, if you find yourself struggling, looking for answers, needing help– Just remember those two little words,” Seek Me.” A smart man once told me, ” God can handle anything you throw at him. He’s got big shoulders.” You are never alone. He can handle whatever it is.
Thank You for hanging around while I floundered. Thank You for my wonderful class, my fantastic husband, and my supportive family and friends. I am truly blessed. I know You know my heart, and You know the things I want and need. I thank You for loving me. Thank You for putting that spark into my life. I will continue to “Seek You” because I know You’ve sought me.