words to heal
After our 2nd loss, I returned to work on Valentine’s Day. I was heartbroken, and so very sad. I didn’t feel very lovey that day. I sneaked into my classroom as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to deal with the looks of sadness on people’s faces when they saw me. I was already sad enough, and I really just wanted things to be “normal” again. I had forgotten something in my car in my haste to avoid people, and was headed through the gate to the parking lot when a newer teacher and her children were coming through. I saw that she was struggling, so I told her I would get it. By the time I reached the gate, she’d already opened it, and spread her arms wide, and hugged me. She said no words, she didn’t bother to ask how I was. She simply hugged me. It was such an emotional and kind gesture. It was EXACTLY what I needed to start my uneasy day off.
Later that day, she sent me a message on Facebook. She said that she didn’t know what to say when she saw me, but she wanted me to know that she was there. We weren’t particularly close at the time, but it did help to know that someone was there for me. She shared of some of her trying times in that message, and she asked me to lunch. She told me that she didn’t believe in only children, so that maybe God had taken two of my babies so that they would be together in Heaven, and that one day I would have the babies I wanted. Those words have stayed with me. Those words helped me out of bed on so many days. I came from a family with 3 children, and my siblings and I are very close. It warmed my heart to know that my angel babies were knowing the joy of family in the way that I do.
During this time,however, I was questioning my faith. I was so unsure and angry. I didn’t understand why this would happen to me, or why I had to get through this again. I felt this rage inside of me that was frightening; so frightening, in fact, that I immediately called my pastor to arrange a meeting because I was a little scared by the intensity of this feeling. I also felt so guilty. Guilty for my anger, guilty for the choices we’d made, guilty for doubting Him, guilty for questioning… Guilt and anger are not a good combination.
When my teacher friend and I had lunch, we talked like we’d known each other forever. She listened to me, and when I told her about my anger and my questions, she recommended scripture to help my through. She talked with me about the power of words and prayer. She told me to pray not only for the blessings I have now, but for the blessings to come. She told me to pray in preparation for the family that I wanted. She was so strong in her faith, and I admired that so much. Through our discussions, I came to find that I could let go of some of that anger. I started to shed some of the fear. It was an amazing feeling. While I always knew in the back of my mind, and in my heart, that He is ALWAYS with me, it was refreshing to have a friend so confident in His abilities and blessings when I was not.
In the last year, she has said on many occasions, that God is going to bless us with twins. One baby for each heartache. She’s told me of dreams she’s had, and a “feeling”. At first, it frightened me. Then, I thought, how neat would that be? Well, I’ve always kept her words in the back of my mind. But last week, when talking to a member of our custodial staff about my car, the building plumber came through and said to me, “You’re having twins?” I replied,”What?! Me? Oh, no. I’m not pregnant.” He quickly retorted,” Oh, well. You’re having twins.” With that, he walked away.
Ever since then, I can’t stop thinking about babies. Thinking about twins. Thinking about a healthy pregnancy. I’ve prayed for all of the above. I’ve spoken the story, because my friend says, ” Your words have power. Speak carefully.” So, with that, I hope she is right. I’m looking forward to one day having my babies, healthy pregnancies, and I think it would be excellent to have twins.
Hear my prayers. 🙂