He IS with me
After I wrote that last post, I remembered how sad I was, and how sad Miles was. I cried as if it were that day all over again.I was feeling a bit emotionally drained. I went to take a bubble bath, something that has always lifted my spirit. I took with me a book that helped me through a very tough time and was recommended to me by a friend after our last loss, “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith. It is a FANTASTIC testament to faith and struggling with loss of a child. I sat there and read her words and the scripture she’s included, and she so adequately describes those feelings only a mother that has lost a child knows. It takes me back to the first time I read it, and it spoke to me so deeply. And then, I realize all of those little things that have happened over the last couple days, and I begin to realize He IS with me!
It started a couple days ago when I tuned into the local Christian radio station. The minute ministry was about doing things for HIS glory, and not letting the world around you get you down. Then, some new songs I hadn’t heard before… One song, in particular, by Group 1 Crew:
(feat. Chris August)
So your life feels like it don’t make sense
And you think to yourself, ‘I’m a good person’
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?
You may be knocked down now
but don’t forget what He said, He said
I won’t give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break
The sermon on Sunday morning was a touching one about unmet expectations. And then, as I turn on my Kindle to read my Bible, it was left on a page with a verse about doubt and faith. Now, I have to say that Miles and I are talking more and more seriously about trying one more time. We’ve decided that we want to try once more and if we have a healthy baby we will be overjoyed, and if we don’t… Then, we will not try to have any more children of our own. I have been praying and asking for His help for months.So, I start thinking about all of these pieces from the last few days and I realize, He is talking to me. He is offering me the healing and the grace that I have so desperately been praying for.
I know that not everyone believes in these “signs” but I always have. I believed in high school after my boyfriend was killed in a car accident, and he came to me in a dream just days later to tell me he was okay.That was all he said,”I’m okay.” He was dressed in his usual Hawaiian shirt and shorts and flip flops. He was sitting on a bench. As I slept, I felt a warmth and calmness, and I knew God was telling me Cooper was with him.
I believed in the signs, as I worked out one day and discussed with my mom how I could truly love Miles when Cooper and I had talked about forever. Then, over the speakers in the gym came Mercy Me’s ” I Can Only Imagine” (One of the songs played at Cooper’s funeral) and then, Janet Jackson’s ” Together Again”. Again, He was telling me that Cooper was a love in my life, but that it was okay to look for love here on Earth, or at least that’s how I took it.
There are many other signs in my life, that I believe is God revealing himself to me. The most poignant of those signs has happened twice in the last year. One morning, I was driving to church, I was listening to HIS radio and I was praying (a common occurrence while I commute). I came to a bridge and the water was glassy. I looked over the bridge into the Broad River, and saw a mother dolphin pushing her baby to the surface. It was like he heard me and we were participating in the most intimate of conversations. That day at church was one of the first times that I held a baby, and was happy about it.
Then again, Mother’s Day weekend, sitting at a dock restaurant with my momma and sister, we looked over to see a mother dolphin helping her baby to the surface. I said then, “This is twice in a year. I know this is a sign that I was meant to be a mommy.”
I know He is with me. I know He is speaking to me. My hope is that I am interpreting His signs appropriately, and that I am letting Him speak through me as well as to me.
And wondrously, the emotional drain has dissipated. God is so good! G’night, ya’ll!