Starting in April, right after the due date, something in our marriage shifted. We were grieving differently. I was consumed by my grief. It was all I thought of, talked about, and dreamed of. Miles was trying to stay busy. He wanted be out with his friends, he wanted to work in the garage, he wanted to not talk about it. It hurt me. How could he forget our child like that? How could be so sweet and understanding at the beginning, and then turn around and tell me that I needed to get over it. HOW COULD I GET OVER IT?
. We argued constantly. We stopped praying together. We spent little time just the two of us, and more and more time with our neighbors. It seemed that we were falling apart. I couldn’t imagine how we would get through something like this. Why didn’t he want to talk about our loss? Why wouldn’t he tell me how he felt? We were growing apart more and more each day. So, on top of the loss of my child, I was worried about our marriage.It wasn’t until later that I really realized we were just dealing with things differently, and neither of us were “wrong”.
It wasn’t just things about our loss that we argued about. Miles became very sharp- toned and quick tempered. It seemed I couldn’t say anything without triggering a fight. I was confused, worried, and sad. I never knew my sweet husband to be like this. He could be a smart aleck for certain, but this was different.
In late September, Miles had his yearly physical at the VA hospital, and his doctor asked him several questions about his daily life, recent activities, and came to realize that Miles was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. She recommended medication and a counselor. He came home to tell me about the doctor’s thoughts, and to see what I thought. I prayed that this was the reason for so many fights, that this would be the answer to our problems.
I still wanted a baby so badly, even though things weren’t perfect between us, somehow, I felt like things would work out. I decided to not use my birth control the month of September. We decided after his doctor’s visit to take a trip to Charlotte to see a football game and start over. We needed a new beginning, a fresh start. We could rekindle our love for each other and do something fun… just the two of us.
We had an INCREDIBLE weekend. We talked and we laughed, and it felt like new all over again. But, it also felt like the old, comfortable, happy us that I’d missed for so long. We went out to Charlotte’s Epicenter and bar hopped. We met new people and enjoyed being together. In the morning we went to breakfast, tailgating at the stadium, and the football game.
We came home to a new sweetness in our marriage. A place of understanding, patience, and love. I didn’t think we would ever get to this place, but it was a definite answered prayer. Not to say that things were perfect, and we still had to work at things, but it was a good place. During our trip, we decided that we would hold off on our family plans until we were in a more constant happy place.
However, there were other plans in place for us… In mid- to late- October, I was feeling like I had a head cold coming on. I wanted to take some medicine, but something in me begged me to take a pregnancy test. A bit of a side note, I’d become so into my wanting a baby that I bought pregnancy tests in bulk. Even though I was on birth control, I wanted to be certain each month that I was not pregnant. So, I went to my bathroom and took one as I was headed to bed. Miles was watching a football game with his buddies downstairs. I was quite startled when a very long 3 minutes passed and the test read PREGNANT. I was suddenly panicked by what this meant, worried about how it would turn out this time and amazed at how quickly this had happened. I hadn’t even been off of my birth control for a full month. Then it hit me… How would I tell Miles? What would he say? We just agreed on waiting…
I called him upstairs, and I started to cry. My hands were shaking as I told him the news. He was the wonderful, sweet guy that I married. He said was happy and that we were ready. But, I’m not sure we were ready for what the coming months would hand us.
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